## Key Ideas > [!abstract] Core Concepts > > - **Observation Separate from Evaluation**: Describe what happened without judgement to avoid triggering defensiveness > - **Four-Step NVC Process**: Observation, Emotion, Needs, Requests (a systematic approach to expressing yourself clearly) > - **Listen for Needs, Not Thoughts**: Focus on underlying needs rather than responding with analysis or advice > - **Empathy Over Analysis**: Receive others with silence, reflection, and focus on feelings rather than fixing ## Definition **Communication**: The practice of expressing ourselves honestly and listening empathically using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) principles to create understanding and connection. ## Overview Communication breakdowns often stem from how we express ourselves. People commonly mix observations with judgements, express thoughts whilst labelling them as feelings, and respond to others' concerns with advice rather than empathy. Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Rosenberg (2003), provides a framework for emotionally charged situations (navigating difficult conversations with colleagues, addressing concerns with loved ones, or managing conflicts in relationships). Research shows that NVC training improves interpersonal relationships, reduces workplace conflict, and enhances empathy and communication skills across educational, healthcare, and social settings (Nosek & Durán, 2017; Kim & Lee, 2021). The framework addresses potentially defensive encounters through two complementary skills: expressing yourself clearly and receiving others empathically. ## Connected To [[Attachment]] | [[Boundaries]] | [[Emotions]] | [[Active Listening]] | [[Validation]] --- ## Part 1: Expressing yourself with NVC The four-step framework for clear, non-defensive communication. ### Core NVC framework The NVC framework consists of four sequential components. - First, make an observation separate from evaluation (describe facts without judgement). - Second, identify and state your emotions to express your internal emotional state. - Third, connect those emotions to underlying human needs. - Fourth, make clear, actionable requests that ask for specific behaviours to meet those needs. ### Observation separate from evaluation When we mix observations with evaluations, people tend to hear criticism and become defensive (Gibb, 1961). Evaluative language triggers defensive communication patterns that create mistrust and limit openness. Pure observations describe what happened without judgement or interpretation, supporting a more collaborative communication climate. Generalising words like "always", "never", "frequently", "seldom", and "whenever" trigger defensiveness because they often contain exaggerations that can be factually disputed, sound like criticism rather than neutral observation, and make it harder for people to hear underlying needs and feelings. Compare "You're always late" with "You arrived at 9:15 for our 9:00 meeting today and at 6:20 for our 6:00 dinner last Friday." The first mixes observation with evaluation whilst the second separates them. Similarly, "You never listen to me" becomes "When I started talking about my day, you picked up your phone and began scrolling." Other examples include replacing "She's lazy" with "She did not complete the tasks she agreed to finish by today", "He's very generous" with "He donated 10% of his salary to charity this year", and "Your room is a mess" with "There are clothes on the floor, unmade bed, and dishes on the desk in your room." In romantic relationships, replace "You don't care about me" with "You didn't call or text me back for eight hours yesterday." Replace "You're not committed to this relationship" with "You've cancelled our last two date nights to work late." Replace "You're taking me for granted" with "You haven't acknowledged the three meals I cooked this week or thanked me." Replace "You're emotionally unavailable" with "When I told you I was feeling sad yesterday, you changed the subject to your work project." In work contexts, replace "My boss is unreasonable" with "My boss rejected my request for time off without explaining why." Replace "The team is unproductive" with "The team completed two out of the seven tasks we planned for this sprint." Replace "She's incompetent" with "The last three reports she submitted contained calculation errors." ### Communicating emotion Expand your emotional vocabulary to name emotions precisely, become more self-aware, and communicate more clearly. Research shows that affect labelling (putting feelings into words) reduces amygdala activity and serves as an implicit emotion regulation strategy (Lieberman et al., 2007; Torre & Lieberman, 2018). True feelings express our emotional state, whilst thoughts often contain hidden evaluations of others. This distinction reduces defensive responses and promotes understanding. When needs are met, we feel joyful, excited, refreshed, energetic, peaceful, hopeful, or grateful. When needs are not met, we feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, discouraged, annoyed, angry, or exhausted. Words like abandoned, attacked, betrayed, neglected, rejected, and unsupported are not emotions but thoughts and evaluations. Distinguish thoughts from feelings using this pattern: "I feel _emotion_ because I _thought_" often indicates thoughts rather than feelings, whilst "I feel _emotion_ because I need _need_" typically expresses genuine feelings connected to needs. The "by you" test helps identify thoughts masquerading as feelings. If you can logically add "by you" after "I feel", it is typically a thought, not a feeling. Compare "I feel ignored [by you]" with "I feel sad" (cannot add "by you"). Similarly, "I feel neglected" requires someone doing the neglecting, whilst "I feel lonely" describes an internal state only. ### Stating your needs Our emotions stem from our needs not being met, not from others' actions. Universal human needs fall into five categories. - Physical needs include food, shelter, safety, rest, and health. - Connection needs include love, intimacy, friendship, acceptance, and belonging. - Autonomy needs include choice, freedom, independence, space, and spontaneity. - Meaning needs include purpose, contribution, creativity, growth, and learning. - Play needs include fun, humour, relaxation, joy, and celebration. Connect emotions to needs using the framework "I feel _emotion_ because I need _need_". When a partner forgets an anniversary, you might say "I feel disappointed because I need to feel valued and remembered in our relationship." When a colleague interrupts constantly, you might say "I feel frustrated because I need to be heard and have my contributions respected." When a friend cancels plans last minute, you might say "I feel hurt because I need reliability and consideration in our friendship." ### Making clear requests Specific, actionable requests improve relationship satisfaction by clarifying expectations and reducing ambiguity (Lavner et al., 2016). Request specificity predicts communication quality and problem resolution. Distinguish requests from demands by the response to "no". A demand leads the speaker to criticise, judge, or lay a guilt trip. A request leads the speaker to show empathy toward the other person's needs and accept "no" without punishment. Effective requests share four characteristics. They are specific, using clear, observable behaviour such as "Would you text me if you're running more than 15 minutes late?" They are actionable, asking for something the person can actually do such as "Would you put your phone down when I'm speaking?" They use positive language that focuses on what you want rather than what you don't want (compare "Would you share one positive observation?" with "Don't be so negative"). They address the present moment, asking for what can be done now or soon such as "Would you be willing to discuss this tonight after dinner?" #### Request examples by context **General situations:** |Ineffective Request|Effective Request|What Makes It Effective| |---|---|---| |"Could you be more considerate?"|"Would you be willing to text me if you're going to be more than 15 minutes late?"|Specific, actionable, clear behaviour| |"Don't be so negative all the time."|"Would you be willing to share one positive observation about the project during our next meeting?"|Positive language, specific behaviour| |"I need you to respect my space."|"Would you knock and wait for my response before entering my room?"|Clear, observable action, specific| |"You should listen better."|"When I'm speaking about something important to me, would you be willing to put your phone down until I've finished?"|Concrete behaviour, observable action| **Work context:** |Ineffective Request|Effective Request|What Makes It Effective| |---|---|---| |"Don't miss any more deadlines."|"Would you be willing to let me know by Wednesday if you anticipate any challenges meeting Friday's deadline?"|Preventive, specific timing, action-oriented| |"You need to contribute more in meetings."|"Would you be willing to prepare and share at least one idea at tomorrow's team meeting?"|Clear, measurable, one-time specific action| |"Be more thorough with your reports."|"Would you include data sources and methodology in the next quarterly report?"|Specific criteria, clear action| **Family context:** |Ineffective Request|Effective Request|What Makes It Effective| |---|---|---| |"Clean up after yourself!"|"Would you put your dishes in the dishwasher after dinner tonight?"|Specific action, timeframe, positive language| |"Be more responsible with money."|"Would you be willing to discuss purchases over $100 with me before making them?"|Clear threshold, specific action, collaborative| |"Pay more attention to the kids."|"Would you be willing to spend 30 minutes playing with the children before dinner each evening?"|Specific time commitment, clear activity| #### Effective question formats |Instead of|Try This|Why It's Better| |---|---|---| |"Are you okay?"|"How are you feeling right now?"|Open-ended, invites authentic response| |"You're hiding something, aren't you?"|"Would you be willing to share any concerns you haven't expressed yet?"|Non-accusatory, invites honesty| |"Do you have a problem with what I said?"|"How did you feel when I shared my perspective?"|Specific to feelings, open-ended| |"Are you mad at me?"|"I'm noticing you're quieter than usual. Would you be willing to tell me what you're feeling right now?"|Observation included, open to any feeling| --- ## Part 2: Receiving others with empathy How to listen and respond in ways that create understanding and connection. Research shows that empathy is a moderately strong predictor of positive therapeutic and interpersonal outcomes (Elliott et al., 2018), whilst advice-giving shows neutral or mixed effectiveness for immediate outcomes. ### Core empathy practices Four approaches support empathic listening. Silence with attention can be more empathetic than words (pause before responding and slow down conversations). Listen for needs rather than thoughts (don't respond with analysis, questions, or advice). Reflect back by paraphrasing content and feelings, then asking for correction. Focus on their experience by keeping attention on their emotions and needs, not your interpretation. Key empathic responses include - "Are you feeling _[emotion]_ because you need _[need]_?", - "It sounds like you're _[emotion]_. Is that right?", - "So you're needing _[need]_?" - "Would you like to tell me more about that?" ### Obstacles to empathy Recognise and avoid ten common responses that block empathic connection. - Giving advice such as "I think you should..." assumes you know better than the other person. - One-upping with "That's nothing; wait till you hear what happened to me..." shifts focus from their experience to yours. - Educating with "This could be a positive experience for you if you just..." minimises their feelings. - Consoling with "It wasn't your fault; you did the best you could" may invalidate feelings before they are fully expressed. - Storytelling with "That reminds me of the time..." diverts attention away from their experience. - Shutting down with "Cheer up! Don't feel so bad" dismisses the importance of their feelings. - Sympathising with "Oh, you poor thing..." creates distance rather than connection. - Interrogating with "When did this begin?" focuses on facts rather than feelings. - Explaining with "I would have called but..." defends rather than understands. - Correcting with "That's not how it happened" invalidates their perception. ### Empathic vs. non-empathic responses |Scenario|Non-Empathic Response|Empathic Response|Why It's Empathic| |---|---|---|---| |Friend: "I'm exhausted from working so much overtime."|"You should set better boundaries. Just tell your boss no."|"Sounds like you're really drained. Are you needing some rest and balance in your life?"|Focuses on feelings and needs without advice or judgement| |Child: "Nobody played with me at recess today."|"Well, did you try to join the other kids' games? You can't just stand there and expect them to invite you."|"That sounds really hard. Were you feeling sad because you wanted to connect with your friends?"|Acknowledges feelings and needs without correcting or teaching| |Partner: "You never help around the house!"|"That's not fair! I helped with dishes just yesterday."|"Are you feeling overwhelmed and needing more support with household tasks?"|Hears the need beneath the complaint without defending| |Colleague: "This project is impossible! We'll never finish on time."|"Come on, don't be so negative. We just need to stay focused."|"It sounds like you're feeling stressed. Are you needing some clarity about priorities or more resources?"|Validates emotion and explores needs rather than dismissing| --- ## Part 3: Putting it together Integrating all components for complete, compassionate communication. ### Full NVC in action In a family scenario where a child leaves toys scattered, compare the traditional approach "You're driving me crazy with this mess! You never listen to me" with the NVC approach: "When I see toys all over the floor after asking for them to be put away, I feel frustrated because I need order in our shared space. Would you be willing to put your toys in the toy box before dinner?" In a work scenario where a colleague takes credit for your idea, compare "You're so dishonest. You humiliated me in front of everyone" with "When you presented my idea without mentioning my contribution, I felt disappointed because I need recognition for my work and honesty in our professional relationship. Would you be willing to acknowledge my contribution in tomorrow's follow-up email?" In a relationship scenario where a partner cancels date night, compare "You obviously don't care about us. Work is always more important than me" with "When you cancelled our date night for the second week to work late, I felt hurt because I need quality time together and to feel prioritised in our relationship. Would you be willing to protect our next date night and let your team know you're unavailable that evening?" ### Two-way communication flow When expressing yourself, observe without evaluating to reduce defensiveness (Gibb, 1961), identify your genuine emotions through affect labelling (Lieberman et al., 2007), connect emotions to needs, and make clear, specific requests to improve satisfaction (Lavner et al., 2016). When receiving others, listen with full attention, reflect their emotions and needs, ask clarifying questions, and avoid advice, correction, or defence (Elliott et al., 2018). The goal is mutual understanding, not winning arguments or being "right". Both expressing and receiving require practice, patience, and commitment to connection over being correct. ## References Elliott, R., Bohart, A. C., Watson, J. C., & Murphy, D. (2018). Therapist empathy and client outcome: An updated meta-analysis. *Psychotherapy*, 55(4), 399-410. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000175 Gibb, J. R. 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