## Key Ideas > [!abstract] Core Concepts > > - **Curiosity drives genuine listening**: Avoid assumptions and ask deeper questions to understand person's unique perspective and experiences > - **Suspend judgement to enable understanding**: Create space for genuine connection by separating understanding from agreement > - **Descriptive responses show understanding**: Identify emotional states and summarise points rather than just parroting or paraphrasing what was said > - **Focus mental resources on speaker**: Use brain's extra processing capacity for sustained eye contact and nonverbal observation rather than planning responses ## Definition Active listening is fully engaging with a speaker through curious questioning, emotional recognition, and focused attention to understand both words and underlying meaning being communicated. ## Connected to [[Validation]] | [[Emotions]] | [[Communication]] | [[Rapport]] | [[Relationships and Regulation]] --- ## Listening with intent ### Curiosity If you ask the right questions, everyone becomes interesting. Genuine curiosity requires setting aside assumptions based on stereotypes, clothing, accessories, past conversations, or surface-level appearances that prevent understanding individual experiences. Rather than asking categorical questions like "What's your job?", asking "What do you do in your spare time?" focuses on experiences rather than labels and encourages deeper exploration of their unique perspective. Digging deeper means asking exploratory questions that build on what the speaker has said. When someone uses a specific phrase, asking "What did you mean by that?" or "Why exactly do you think that?" invites explanation rather than assumption. Questions like "What was your thinking behind that approach?", "How did you get to that point?", or "Was that something you always wanted to do?" help uncover the reasoning and experiences that shaped their views. When they mention experiences, asking about those rather than jumping to your own stories maintains the focus on understanding their perspective. ### Avoiding judgement Suspending judgement creates space for understanding and connection. Judgement blocks listening by closing your mind to the speaker's perspective and creating defensiveness, which prevents exploring their reasoning, damages trust and openness, and shifts focus from understanding to evaluating. A non-judgemental approach separates understanding from agreement and recognises that multiple valid perspectives exist. Focusing on their reasoning with questions like "What led you to that conclusion?" maintains curiosity about their thought process. Acknowledging their feelings without endorsing their actions allows emotional connection without moral compromise. Staying curious about why they think or feel differently keeps the conversation open. Non-judgement does not mean abandoning your own values, agreeing with everything said, ignoring harmful behaviours, or avoiding difficult conversations later. The goal is to first understand their world fully, then (if appropriate) share your perspective after they feel genuinely heard. ### Managing mental attention The brain has extra processing capacity during conversation, which can lead to distraction and poor listening. Nichols and Stevens (1957) found that channelling this extra capacity productively rather than allowing it to wander improves listening quality. Maintaining sustained eye contact (80% when they speak, 50% when you speak) uses this capacity constructively (Kendon, 1967). Similarly, observing nonverbal cues and body language, processing what they're saying rather than planning responses, and pausing after they stop talking before responding all direct mental resources towards understanding the speaker. --- ## Demonstrating understanding Active listening techniques show the speaker that you comprehend both their words and underlying meaning, encouraging deeper sharing. ### Asking effective questions Open-ended questions invite elaboration rather than simple yes/no answers. Questions like "How did you feel about that?", "What did you like most about the experience?", "What was your reaction when...?", and "Have you always felt this way?" create space for the speaker to explore their thoughts and feelings. Preparation improves the quality of conversation. Reviewing previous conversations before meeting, doing background research when appropriate, and preparing thoughtful questions in advance demonstrate genuine interest. During conversation, paying attention to tone and hidden meanings reveals what the speaker may not be saying directly. Monitoring your own emotional reactions prevents them from interfering with understanding. Asking for clarification when unsure and stopping speakers to ensure understanding before encouraging continuation shows that comprehension matters more than simply hearing them out. ### Responding with understanding Nodding, parroting, or simple paraphrasing demonstrate attention without understanding. Deeper responses require considering why the person is telling you this, what emotion they are communicating, and what deeper meaning lies beyond the words. Recognising and naming specific emotions helps the speaker process their experience (Torre & Lieberman, 2018). Emotional granularity (the ability to make fine-grained distinctions between emotions) supports emotional regulation (Barrett, Gross, Christensen, & Benvenuto, 2001). Saying "You must be heartbroken", "That sounds really exciting for you", or "This seems to have frustrated you" identifies the emotional state more precisely than generic acknowledgements. Summarising what you have heard checks understanding and shows engagement. Phrases like "So what I'm hearing is...", "Let me get this straight... [repeat key point]?", "Wait, are you telling me that...?", or "What do you mean by...?" invite correction if you have misunderstood and confirm the speaker has been truly heard if you are correct. --- ## Common pitfalls ### Physical inattention Interrupting or responding vaguely and illogically signals that you have not been following what the speaker said. Looking away from the speaker towards your phone, watch, or around the room breaks connection. Fidgeting or appearing distracted communicates disinterest. Planning your response while they are still speaking diverts mental resources away from understanding towards performance. ### Unhelpful responses Certain responses, while often well-intentioned, impede rather than support the speaker. Suggesting you know how they feel assumes similarity where differences may exist. Identifying causes of their problems or telling them what to do shifts the focus from their experience to your analysis. Minimising their concerns invalidates their feelings. Bringing forced positivity or platitudes dismisses the complexity of their situation. Often the best response is simply listening, understanding, and appreciating their perspective. ### Judgemental responses Responses like "That's wrong/bad/irresponsible", "I would never do that", "You shouldn't feel that way", or "That doesn't make sense" close down conversation and create defensiveness. Visible disapproval through facial expressions or body language communicates judgement even when words remain neutral. ### Leading questions Questions like "Don't you think...?" or "Wouldn't you agree that...?" contain hidden assumptions and prompt specific answers rather than inviting genuine exploration of the speaker's views. ## References Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you're feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. *Cognition and Emotion, 15*(6), 713-724. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930143000239 Kendon, A. (1967). Some functions of gaze-direction in social interaction. *Acta Psychologica, 26*, 22-63. https://doi.org/10.1016/0001-6918(67)90005-4 Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L. A. (1957). *Are you listening?* McGraw-Hill. Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. *Emotion Review, 10*(2), 116-124. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706 ---